Jackie's Forget Me Nots

No vase can overflow if you never fill it up.

Phil“I was a cold and heartless person, but the moment I saw you and I touched you, that changed. Now the light and the love inside me for you will never end, and you’ve made me the man I am. I thank you, my love, you’ve proven to me there is the world worth living in .”-Phil McIntyre

“Your love is a beautiful gift that is kept in a special place in my heart.”

It was Thursday morning at 1:30 AM when the ambulance brought Phil and me to Emergency Foothills. I stood beside him like I was going to cry because he was dying, I stuck out my tongue a couple of times to his face, and he said “Don’t” then I asked, “Why?” He said, “Because we are supposed to act like adults.”
It was December 8th.

In Emerg, you were then poked and prodded like a pin cushion, but you braved the needles knowing how much you disliked them.

The doctors were very helpful, and I will never forget that one doctor for being so kind. I made sure they all treated you nice and gentle in fact. They stuck a catheter in you which made you yell, and a saline drip that made you sleep in short increments because you were so restless and kept waking up and taking the finger clamp off. You wanted to get up. But you were delirious and hallucinating, and you said you had to go for lunch. ♥ But your legs were so swollen from edema you couldn’t walk! I stayed with you until around seven o’clock or maybe it was eight that morning. I intended to come back that night after I had gotten sleep and cleaned up your blankets and tidied up the place. My back was hurting and I just couldn’t. I am so sorry for not staying with you.
Earlier, when the ambulance came to our house, you could barely breathe, and one of the paramedics was very mean and impatient. I warned him if he was going to have that attitude he couldn’t come in Lol, What could I do. The stretcher wouldn’t fit in the front hallway to the living room because the damn computer was in the way. So they lifted you up with a blanket, and you kept apologizing for saying ‘Fuck.’ You didn’t have to apologize, but you did because you are a good man like that. You were so sweet to everyone you met. I will never forget those moments we had together. The two weeks before being admitted to the hospital, you could barely sleep, with the coughing and the legs and God knew what else. Every chance you got to sleep it started the coughing, but you kept on smoking. You chewed Fishermen’s Friends, a cough drop like they were candy. I cannot imagine the pain that came with cancer. Except you liked pain and were afraid of nothing. The swelling in your legs made it impossible for you to walk and it hurt to see you in pain so much. I will cherish the times we had together always.

“Jackie is one beautiful woman, and I can’t picture being without her. She doesn’t understand exactly what she does to make me the man I am and neither do I, but I am happy that she is in my life and I will never change it for nothing. If anybody has any doubts, just listen to the hair of the dog by Nazareth.”- Phil McIntyre

Remembering washing your feet and trying to help you sit on the couch.

I’d like to believe I alleviated the pain in your legs somewhat. Brushing your hair was a joy, and you liked it. It took your mind off things. I wanted to rub you all over with oil, but you didn’t let anyone touch you much because it hurt, not even me, sadly. I couldn’t afford your medication, but I went to get what you needed for the blood clot anyway. It wasn’t cheap, but the swelling in your left leg came down a bit, so the pills did help and made you feel a tiny bit better. You expressed some concern in the event you ever bled to death. I was concerned about your eliminations, getting you to use a Depend (diaper) or some pot to sit on. Evidently, the swelling started up again. You didn’t even last 21 days, but you shouldn’t have stopped taking your pills twice a day or be overly concerned about how expensive they were! You only took one a day for risk of running out of them. I gave you a lot of grief over having to pay for the medication, and I’m sorry for that. Sorry for being mean. I would’ve liked to see you walk to the bathroom but you couldn’t. You didn’t eat much, but I kept feeding you. I didn’t like to see you that way; suffer I mean, just like I didn’t like seeing you drink and drunk. You couldn’t breathe after smoking nearly the whole carton of cigarettes I bought. You waited for Lyla that Tuesday to come over and visit but she never did. Of course, she didn’t need to pay you back if you were dying would she?! And I had the most beautiful time with you that day too and on Wednesday. You’d suffered a lot over the course of weeks up to your death. You’d quit drinking approximately two months ago. You worked up until you couldn’t walk anymore.

On November 3rd, the Calgary Housing Inspector was coming, and we cleaned the house. You washed the bathroom floor and took the hair out of the first hallway carpet by hand. You started breathing hard, and I probably should have insisted you take it easier but with our recent computer debacle we had to get a new operating system that caused us a certain amount of frustration hey. You thought I was mad at you but no. It was the computer, and we both hated that it caused us to argue and fight so much by cursing and swearing “the computer doesn’t fucking work!” but I made you chuckle. I would have cleaned the house myself, honestly. I don’t know where you went when the inspector came. I think you might’ve gone into work that day but you came home early, and I was always glad to see you back during the day. The inspector told us we needed to fill out those forms, including you in the rent, subsequently increasing it and a lot of bullshit we’ve been through before.

The swelling in your legs never got any better, and you had Lyla take you to the Rockyview about two weeks before you passed away.

You discharged yourself against everyone’s wish including mine. I am sorry and regret being mean about not wanting to let you die in our place. I guess I was afraid of living in the same place you died. But I regret not allowing you to now. I knew you were dying and I’m glad you told me. Liver and Lung cancer got the best of you and depression I think. You didn’t want to live anymore is what you said. I was upset and mad when you told me you were going to Winnipeg. I wanted you to stay in the hospital, but you came back home to me 🙂

“Mr. Romantic’s back! I had heard this song before I met Jackie, but it meant nothing until after I met Jackie. I love the lady more than I love my own life and she deserves every bit of my love.”- Phil McIntyre about the song Amazed by Lonestar

I love you too. I needed to hear you say you loved me every day but in the end, I was your best friend, and I could not ask for more. I didn’t allow you to drink as much when you drank with Linda or Carson Otter because I hate alcohol/beer and what it does to people. Last year when my mother died, you were experiencing weakness in the legs. I don’t know what that was about, but you had to crawl to the washroom. Symptoms caused from liver disease? Edema was starting already a year ago. You laughed, played, worked hard. Who knew there was anything wrong with you? Nobody else knew. For reasons I don’t understand you kept it to yourself and dealt with it silently. When I die, I want to do the same thing. Unassisted medically. There was nothing the doctors could do about it. You could have stopped drinking the time you slipped and fell on the ice or after drinking heavily in Bowness. You drank hard and worked hard and played hard. But thank you for calling me that night from Carson Otter’s place. You paid for a taxi, so I could come and see you. You were very drunk, and I was so happy to see you again. I stayed with you until you sobered and then we went home together. I think it was after Linda died we started to watch Game of Thrones. You couldn’t stop drinking, and we fought because of it. You kept working at Trail even though it wasn’t great. You quit there and went to the other depot. It was the stress of a new job and things just got worse. Your working buddy /Uber driver had to drive you back and forth to work every day and more and more days off which meant more time to spend with me. I don’t know why you thought you had to keep working. You were living free, and you weren’t expected to pay for anything, but we both knew we didn’t have long before Calgary Housing booted you out and that was unfair and killing me. I didn’t care. They’d have to kick me out or kill me before I let you go to some other ungodly place again. Honestly Phil. I would have gone wherever you went, but you didn’t want that. You couldn’t leave me either thankfully. I am not happy with the choices you made and never will be ok again. I wanted to take care of you, Phil! Yes, you didn’t have to be embarrassed about getting help with going to the bathroom. I was jealous of everyone even the moon. I wanted you to want me to be the one to help you, but you got angry with me, and I don’t blame you. I blame myself. I am sorry.

When I came back on Friday morning, I learned they transferred you to a special treatment unit on the other side of the hospital. When I found you, I was so shocked to see your mother and Shelley at the foot of your bed! How did they get here from Winnipeg so quick?! You had the hospital call them for you. It is what you wanted. At least your mother and sister were with you. It was a bit of an unwelcome for me, I admit. Your mom took things out on me and I just couldn’t. She was angry at me for not picking up the phone, so I walked away 😦 Things changed so fast but the instant I saw them, I knew this was not going the way I had hoped. I broke down in front of a nurse because I figured they were going to stop me from seeing you and I cried the whole visit. They spent all 3 1/2 days with you. I was crying a lot for myself. They had all the right to be there, and she envied the time I had with you. I am sure your visits with them were pleasant. Mine were strenuous. You used to tell me “You can’t let things bother you.” I’m sorry Phil, but things bother me OKAY?! I haven’t exactly been shown any better because I’ve been hurt too many times. I get mad, and it’s embarrassing, and I hate being that way, but whatever W/ E. Abuse bothers me, and I let things get to me. I have had enough crap from everyone. Nobody had what I need except you. You gave me strength and was my rock hard solid. I miss you so much. I miss you terribly, and the only person to offer any condolences to me was my cousin out of all individuals, on Facebook. I deactivated your account. All condolences were to Shelley. I had to say goodbye and let you go, and you did. Saying goodbye is always hard to do, and I felt pressured. One of the last things you said to me was “there is no fun in this world.”

You were the only friend I had. We had each other. If only we could have had each other longer because a decade is not enough for me. I need at least five decades. I need you like nobody else does. You are all I ever could hope or ask for indeed. There is no one else that will ever take your place. No. I want to remember you, sweetheart. I am grieving. It has been over 12 hours since you died and I have to go to bed now. I am writing. Your support was friendly. I am grateful to you for coming into my life. I am happy to have known you. You are a great guy. Alcohol is depressing when all is said and done.

“Jackie, thank you so much for everything you do for me . I will always love you and I will always be there for you no matter what. I ♥ YOU MY ANGEL!”-Philip McIntyre

I love you, babe.

Night babe.

You died on December 11th @ 7:47 AM.

To see you in the ever after is but a breath away


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