Yes. Over the past three months I expected nothing more from my miserable life, only I never expected it to be worse than it is;/ . Ya, that’s right. I’m not losing any more weight, in fact, I stopped exercising cause I was feeling more ill after my walk. I even a bought a simple pedometer without even knowing or caring how to use it. I have been blogging and reading less as well. What did I expect? A kick in the ass? It ‘d be good for me, but life has a funny way of kicking my ass. I expected to see my boyfriend again, but I never expected I would start smoking again. We separated for three months, and I had stopped smoking and was on the road to better health when suddenly all my efforts came tumbling down like dominoes one after the other.
I can’t find the energy or nerve to go for a walk even though I know things don’t happen overnight. It’s not like I’m going to wake up and all my problems disappear. I only hope I don’t find myself in the ironic situation where the pain of being unhealthy is worse than the pain of getting healthy. I have to want to be healthy bad enough. When I ended up in hospital after a heart attack, it was like I had no choice to quit smoking and I resent that. It’s the same when I found out I was diabetic. People with diabetes have no choice either unless they want to die and they only don’t care anymore.
I do care, however. I hate being sick and unhealthy but I must realize that to change the way I feel I am going to have to go easy on myself and take baby steps. I know I can stop smoking for good, but the question is, do I want to? It’s a matter of how I feel. I can only take so much before I quit smoking. I must also prepare myself mentally, but life always seems to get in the way, and I haven’t learned how to cope all that well. No, I am not a well adjusted individual nor happy camper. I am weak. ugh