Jackie's Forget Me Nots

No vase can overflow if you never fill it up.

How do you recover lost trust? In a person? In an idea?

^^^ This question is part of The Daily Post and I felt I could do Mama Kats writing prompt using my story as well . Here is the bonus question from the daily post : If someone lets you down or betrays you, how do you learn to forgive? And can you possibly learn to trust them again? Why or why not?

Learning to forgive means acceptance and change for the better . What I know for sure is it’s not easy and I still have a lot to learn ….

In my case, my mother’s love was life itself . Thinking about it makes me cry everytime . It hurts because I am still dealing with abandonment issues and it grieves me. I still love her a lot but will those tears dry up when she’s dead? Idk. All I know for sure is I still hope everything works out for the best .

She abandoned me when I was about 15 years old….Yes, I was a rebellious teenager , too old for my own good .

After my drug experience in boarding school I was diagnosed with drug-induced psychosis at the Foothills Hospital in Calgary.

Because my dad did not want to pay or couldn’t afford my medical treatments , I was made a ward of the courts, and was put into foster care. I ended up in a place for teenagers with behaviour problems .

It was there where my mother told me she was leaving . I remember asking her ” aren’t you coming back?” she said “No” I could not believe what I was hearing . I walked out of the counselling room , devastated.

It must have taken a week before I came around.  I cried hoping for the day I could go and live with her and that she would come and take me away from here but she wasn’t coming back and I don’t remember when I saw her again . I prayed to God and I have permanent frown marks on my face from crying. I became jealous of my peers seeing their moms or dads come to pick them up.  It wasn’t fair.

When she left my Dad , she left us too.

Okay I could go on about how selfish she was to prefer her love affairs to her own children but that doesn’t change the fact that she really did abandon me and it was selfish. When my parents divorced I expected to be with my mother but I soon found out that it wasn’t an option . My mother had different ideas unfortunately.

As children we rely on our parents to handle responsibly our situation in life ; well at least until we are ready to face the world on our own.

I was after all where I belonged ;  in a home for troubled teenagers.  I don’t know if  the hospital or social workers contacted my dad but it was strange hearing him say  “Where have you been?” .  He made an effort to recover what was lost after being betrayed by a family he once had .

At least there was good’ole dad to mind the roost . In fact he still lives in the same house we grew up in but I hardly ever visit him now . I still wish I could live rent free to save me some money .

My life was a cycle of mental , emotional , verbal, psychological, sexual abuse . I am pretty sure it is why I don’t trust anyone and why marriage scares me. Two people have to make sure they are in love before they say I do or suffer the consequences.

What I know for sure is love is missing nowadays.

I felt there was nothing to hold onto and the bottom fell out from beneath my feet. My dad wasn’t there either but he never told me personally he was leaving. [I just realized what parent would ever say that to their kid anyway? ] I don’t think my mother was in a right state of mind . There was nothing wrong with me. It was their lack of parenting skills, or in my dad’s case, no parent at all . That is what I know for sure . There is no doubt in my mind I would have gone back home , if you could call it that, and gone back to high school.

Once, on a home visit, I remember the counsellor ask “Do you want Jackie back home to live here?” My oldest sister spoke out and said “No.”  Well , that really hurt .  On that point it was best that I wasn’t .

Eventually I did move back to what was once a home but now  “a house” and I managed to make it through grade 10 , 11 and part of grade 12 but never graduated .

I ended up having a nervous breakdown and went back into the hospital for the second time .

I felt unwanted and like a burden on my dad. I still feel this way when I’m around him . That is another reason why I don’t talk to him .

Anyway, it was easy to blame my dad , since I hated his guts. I blamed him for being a terrible father for the longest time and I know my mother didn’t love him but I wanted her to leave him just so long as I could live with her.

She was a good mother and teacher just not anymore .

My mother had only been keeping it altogether until she had had enough.

She betrayed my dad and I can’t imagine the pain he went through but I’m guessing it wasn’t as deep as mine.

I feel sorry for him . Surely he loved sex but sex without love is lust .

I don’t blame her for leaving my dad and getting an annulment, but for God sakes didn’t we mean a single thing to her either? Love is missing in the world and in my heart also. That’s what I know for sure.

What would be different when they die? I imagine it won’t be easy but at least it’s a normal part of life.

What I know for sure , my mother left me when I still needed her .  I think it is harder to deal with than her dying.

All my relationships have suffered because of my parents Divorce.

I don’t have a lot of friends because I have a hard time dealing with my own emotional problems . I believe my parents love me but it’s not the best scenario.

I have plenty of good reason and more excuses for not contacting them than I care to have.

I am the biggest procrastinator when it comes to talking to my parents.

It involves lack of confidence, instability and an overall feeling of shame and ickiness.

I wish I can say “when can I come home?” The answer is “you’re always welcome to stay for a little while ” or “your always welcome here”

What I know for sure is I am a grown women with parents who have no use for me…. that is what it seems. They also have other support in their old age .

I don’t think I will ever fully learn how to forgive them but I hope so cause it still hurts quite a lot. What I know for sure , I have to make the best of it .

Mama’s Losin’ It

2 thoughts on “What I know for sure

  1. Kathleen says:

    This is the most heartbreaking story I think I’ve ever read. I can only pray that you will find the peace you seek, and live a life full of joy despite what you’ve gone through.

    Like

    1. Jackie says:

      Thank-you and congratulations you are the first to comment on my new blog 🙂

      Like

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